A
family member of mine got ill just before I wrote my final exam.
Terminally ill. The kind of ill where they do the chemo and the
radiation but really just to prolong what they know: that it wont
work.
Brain
cancer. Apparently brain cancer develops over 10-15 years and
dramatically alters the individuals behaviour.
It
means that for most of my lifetime he was ill. Violently ill.
Horribly ill. Trying to make sense of a world he didn't understand
because he didn't know he was ill.
Paging
through his Bible tears started running down my cheeks. If he was
healthy, would he have been different? Would I forgive him all the
bad if I knew that he was ill for all those years?
He
was a devoted Christian. Loyal to the faith. Sang in the choir every
Wednesday night. Attended Bible school. Attended all the Christian
holiday services, even the midnight service before the new year
starts... But sometimes he was so horrible. It made the Bible, the
choir and the Christianity fade into the background.
Would
he have been different if he wasn't ill? Would he have been happier
if he could remember his words?
The
tears keep coming as my heart breaks again. 7 years later. Because he
isn't here and I will never again be able to hug him, tell him its
ok. Tell him that I wish I could do something to make him hurt less.
