Bitterness

Today I am bitter. Very bitter.  Its was a whole sequence of events that led to me feeling like this – feeling like I want to give up on people, hate them forever and wanting to go live on a very secluded island.

I hate that my skills and my knowledge have become invaluable.  That I’m only judges on the colour of my skin. I hate that people first fight, before asking both sides of the story.  I hate that I can work hard for whatever I want, but others have a sense of entitlement.  I hate that it’s because I work hard, people walk all over me.

I hate that I’ve never in my life felt like this, but now it consumes me.

It’s this feeling of not wanting to believe in people – even though most of the time I’d like to see the magic.  It’s finding that your half full glass is actually half empty because of the colour of your skin.  Its feeling like whatever I’ve put in, up to this point isn’t good enough because I’m not the right colour. 

It’s watching a project going wrong, knowing what needs to be done and not being able to do it.  It’s getting the phone call, saying please help, when the project has finally hit the fan. 

My mentor, a guy with more patience that I’ve ever seen, will tell me – if it wasn’t for other people’s screw ups, we wouldn’t have a job.

Fair enough. 

I can crises manage, and have managed several projects back to normal after the fan-episode.  But I’m tired of not being ‘good’ enough to manage the project from the start, but to only help save it.

Hopefully, in heaven, we won’t see colour, but we’ll celebrate the magic that happens when wanting, willingness and skills combine.  Because, as far as people go, yep – I hate them for now, but they do come with a certain bit of magic. 

But for now, I like animals better. They don’t talk back.