Ill

A family member of mine got ill just before I wrote my final exam. Terminally ill. The kind of ill where they do the chemo and the radiation but really just to prolong what they know: that it wont work.

Brain cancer. Apparently brain cancer develops over 10-15 years and dramatically alters the individuals behaviour.

It means that for most of my lifetime he was ill. Violently ill. Horribly ill. Trying to make sense of a world he didn't understand because he didn't know he was ill.

Paging through his Bible tears started running down my cheeks. If he was healthy, would he have been different? Would I forgive him all the bad if I knew that he was ill for all those years?

He was a devoted Christian. Loyal to the faith. Sang in the choir every Wednesday night. Attended Bible school. Attended all the Christian holiday services, even the midnight service before the new year starts... But sometimes he was so horrible. It made the Bible, the choir and the Christianity fade into the background.

Would he have been different if he wasn't ill? Would he have been happier if he could remember his words?

The tears keep coming as my heart breaks again. 7 years later. Because he isn't here and I will never again be able to hug him, tell him its ok. Tell him that I wish I could do something to make him hurt less.