The one thing

I rarely reach the point where I don’t know what to do next.  I always have a back up plan, another way to go.  I sometimes think I might as well write ‘Plan maker’ on my CV.  I do it for a living, I plan things and when it all goes wrong – as it normally does, I make other plans.  I come up with solutions.

Today, however, I don’t have a plan.  I’m stuck between a rock and a very hard uncomfortable place.  I sit behind my computer, put headphones on to try ward off any possible interaction. 

I want to move on from my current place of employment, but I cannot find anything else.  Not that I’m not trying… but that’s a whole other story. 

I am a bit of an adventurer and found the idea of working in another country incredibly appealing. New cities to discover, new people, beautiful architecture… It can only be great.

The answer I get from everybody is to teach English somewhere.  I looked it up, it’s possible to go pretty much anywhere: Thailand, Japan, Korea, Philippines, Taiwan, Singapore, Malaysia, Costa Rica, Brazil, Turkey, Czech republic, Greece, Italy, France, Kenya… Take a map, close your eyes and pinpoint. 

The problem: I stutter.  Not much and it’s never kept from doing or trying anything new.  Problem is now, I cannot teach if I stutter – and I cannot not tell people.  It’s dishonest.  But how do I tell any recruiter that yes, I think I’d be amazing, but I stutter where speaking is 80% of the job.

It’s never bothered me, it seemed at one point that it bothered others more than it bothered me.  I’ve stuttered for as long as I can remember and I find ways to work with it.  Been to speech therapy and no, it didn’t do much… Making peace with it - made a big difference.  Its part of me, like my freckles, it’s apparently here to stick around for some time so instead of getting an ulcer worrying about it, I might as well make peace with it. 

Why all of a sudden does my life depend on something I cannot do? Nor not as well as others.  Are all the things I can do not enough?  I’m human, nobody can do everything…

Life

I walked outside a little while ago.  I looked up, the sky is the same blue it was yesterday. Or is it?  I see crew rushing in, most of them frowning – and this is relatively early in the morning.   I turn around to see small changes in the tree, as the weather gets slightly warmer.

I realised that I can’t remember what I had for dinner last week – except the wine I had with a friend on Tuesday.  Trust me to remember the wine…

I can’t distinguish the weeks anymore, never mind the days.  It becomes a big blur of work, friends, and evenings at home. 

What exactly are we rushing off to? Are we working harder for money? That might or might not grow depending on the mood of the world powers in that particular week.  To spend a long weekend to with family, in which we spend the majority of the time trying to forget about work and unwind.  

Is this what our lives have become? Do we rush from work to home, into gym and make appointments with people we call friends.  People who have seen me cry, and fight and horrified by life.   People who I’ve known for years.

What is it about the quest for being better? Or being busier? Or being richer, that captivates us? There are multiple theories on where we go when we die… Whether you return in the form of another animal or as a spirit, I doubt whether you’d be able to transfer your old world with you. 

A lecturer of mine raised an issue in one of our Mass Communication classes: she asked whether becoming better is really a thing? Aren’t we created to be just who and what we are?  Why are we constantly trying to be fitter, stronger, more knowledgeable and gain more skills?

Im sure most of us need to pay rent and buy food – as living off love and water, uhm, well… doesn’t work that well.  But perhaps I can make an effort to see my people, spend time with them and notice the trees around me more often.  And perhaps play with some kind of animal, they are so free… In my next life I think I want to return as a penquin.