Dear God

Dear God,

You know me better than I do. 

You know I want stability but crave adventure.

You know I want to be happily married but like my alone time.

You know Im not materialistic but I like pretty things.

You know I don't have an issue with the way you made me, but I have an issue with people who do.

You know I forgive easily and love quickly even though my heart has been broken so many times.

You know I want to do something that matters, but have no idea where to start.

You know I try to look after myself & my body but I fail, so miserably, so often.

You know I want to go back to India but I want to say here because I have friends & family here.

You know I need help but hate asking for it.

You know I struggle but don't want to and try to seem ok.

You know I scare easily but convince myself Im not scared.

You know that giving up is not an option, so I keep going.

You know that I sometimes do mediocre work because I don't have more to give.

You know I hide when Im in pain.  

Reason why not to

My heart broke as I read the message. Like the 17 000 times before that, when I got disappointing news from him. Our plans cancelled. Or he forgot. Or, whatever.

He let me down so many times I forgot half of them, but I know the all too familiar feeling of being let down. Again.  By someone who was a close friend. It seemed he always found better things to do than to spend time with me.  Like getting a hair implant.

Today, after two months of deciding to wipe him from my phone, my networks, my social media and hopefully in time, from my mind, he sends me a message.  “Please can we be friends again?? Please??”

I had to catch my breath as the tears ran over my cheeks. I loved this man - at least that was past tense. Loved.  I knew that I love him 6 months after we met, but instead of getting serious he told me we should break up. Im not the right religion or the right skin colour it seems.

Now it looks like the decision to be friends did more harm than good.

I want to forgive, forget and move on because I don’t want enemies. But today, I don’t want to.  I don’t believe him anymore. I don’t believe in him anymore and I don’t want to hurt anymore. 

I guess this time it’s as simple as don’t want to anymore.