Becoming

This morning I was standing in the shower thinking of how I’m going to pay off my second car breakdown in one month.  I had no idea, it’s the one situation that I hate. I feel inadequate and useless when my car breaks.

Finally, after washing my hair – I made peace with the fact that I’d have to pay off the debt while saving for my dream: to live in India.  And somehow still paying the normal rent, petrol, insurance and, and and…  I’d have to do it over two months to still have a little bit of time to prepare for Christmas.

While putting on my make up, about 10min later, I got all teary eyed.  I was thinking about my life: my dreams, my wanting to not be ordinary and how the hell I’m going to do that.  That was my worst fear, together with growing old alone – was to be ordinary. 

When growing up I went from wanting to be a cop, to working in marine life to wanting to be in the Navy, being a doctor for Doctors without borders and being an actress.  No idea where the actress part came from as most of the other had something in common: doing something for other people. 

The navy idea stuck around the longest – about five years, and even though two broken ankles and 30 metal pins kept me from passing the medical exam, I still hold it close to my heart.  I get all happy when I can see, read, participate in anything related to the Navy.

I dream big.  Or rather, I was given big dreams.

Am I supposed to make my dreams smaller to fit in with life? Or the expectation of what my life is supposed to be? Am I supposed to live the life I dreamt of, even though it involved loads of trusting and taking chances?

I don’t know. I know what I want.  I know my skills.  I know that I will survive whatever is thrown my way.  But on how to take the final step towards it… Leaving behind a perfectly ordinary life: no idea. 

Perhaps I’ll leave that for Monday morning, as Fridays meant a little less thinking and a little more relaxing.