Rain

When shit starts hitting the fan, people react differently.  Some people scream and shout. Some put their head in the ground.  I put my head down and work.  I work because there is always something that needs to be done: whether it is organising home care for a sick relative or writing 70 scripts for the new channel.  I work.

I don’t mind it, it makes me feel a little bit more in control of something that I know is actually nowhere close to in my control. 

But today, I was overwhelmed, and my sense to start working never kicked in.  I felt like staring into the nothingness for a really long time, hoping that the answers to life's questions will magically fly into my head. 

I’m worried about my mum – nothing major, but she is growing old, and she is all I have.  I like her, she cant go anywhere.  Not yet anyways. 

I’m worried about my decisions, its big and important ones and have the potential for greatness but it also has the potential for pure, frikin disaster.  I’m worried about the words coming out of my mouth – I’ve been so angry the last couple of weeks, I’ll fight with anybody who looks at me the wrong way. 

And probably the most menial of the lot, Im worried about my car… Its broken down two months in a row, after I got it serviced.  Being dependent on my car, I really really don’t need it.

Somewhere in the afternoon, I sat myself down and started.  I started on the tons of work that’s staring at me. 

My nature eventually kicked in, and three hours later I look up.  I looked into a dark blue sky of thunder and rain.  I felt better.

Not because I eventually made a dent in the work, but because to me, rain heals my soul.  Its God way of telling me that He still is in control.  And I like that.  I work hard, but I’m not necessarily good with this grown up stuff.

Becoming

This morning I was standing in the shower thinking of how I’m going to pay off my second car breakdown in one month.  I had no idea, it’s the one situation that I hate. I feel inadequate and useless when my car breaks.

Finally, after washing my hair – I made peace with the fact that I’d have to pay off the debt while saving for my dream: to live in India.  And somehow still paying the normal rent, petrol, insurance and, and and…  I’d have to do it over two months to still have a little bit of time to prepare for Christmas.

While putting on my make up, about 10min later, I got all teary eyed.  I was thinking about my life: my dreams, my wanting to not be ordinary and how the hell I’m going to do that.  That was my worst fear, together with growing old alone – was to be ordinary. 

When growing up I went from wanting to be a cop, to working in marine life to wanting to be in the Navy, being a doctor for Doctors without borders and being an actress.  No idea where the actress part came from as most of the other had something in common: doing something for other people. 

The navy idea stuck around the longest – about five years, and even though two broken ankles and 30 metal pins kept me from passing the medical exam, I still hold it close to my heart.  I get all happy when I can see, read, participate in anything related to the Navy.

I dream big.  Or rather, I was given big dreams.

Am I supposed to make my dreams smaller to fit in with life? Or the expectation of what my life is supposed to be? Am I supposed to live the life I dreamt of, even though it involved loads of trusting and taking chances?

I don’t know. I know what I want.  I know my skills.  I know that I will survive whatever is thrown my way.  But on how to take the final step towards it… Leaving behind a perfectly ordinary life: no idea. 

Perhaps I’ll leave that for Monday morning, as Fridays meant a little less thinking and a little more relaxing.

Escape

We all leave for different reasons: we leave for a better future. For a holiday.  For revenge.  For freedom. For better opportunities.  We leave to be inspired. But if you have nothing, and nobody left – is it still leaving?

Whether leaving involves a car, a bus, a train or a plane or something as simple as a resignation – there comes that moment that you walk alone.  Through the gate at the airport.  Climbing on the bus or through the front door of your employer. 

Nobody can do for you or help you with.  You do that alone – that decision was yours.

Alone means taking responsibility for your life, your actions and your future. Even though we all look back onto certain decisions in our earlier life while shaking our heads, thinking “What the hell?!”. I believe we do the best with what we have: we decide and risk and jump with the information we have at that point.  The funds we have at that point and the faith we have at that point.

Leaving everything you know behind is hard.  There’s a saying: “Life starts where your comfort zone ends”. Noble thought, but horribly scary if that’s you leaving it all behind.

We grow accustomed to our paths: the colleagues at work, the way your car rumbles and the conversations your friends have.  That’s life.  But all of that is temporary.  It breaks, it fights and it ends.  Much like life. 

Escaping your world, means to leave all you know today and yesterday and for as long as you can remember behind.  But if you have nothing: no family to cheer, friends to care, a job to pitch up for or a cat to feed – I think its harder.

You’re that anonymous one- the one who just walked out. Not having anything certainly makes the packing easier, but emotions and memories aren’t bottled. They follow us everywhere: they remind us who we are, what we’ve faced and what makes us happy.  Its not so easy escaping them.

Dont lose that, escape from that or run away from yourself – you are you for a reason: face it, enjoy it and love that you get to create a new chapter in the book of You.

Someday you’ll find someone to tell your story to.