Film sequence

    

Constructing a sequence is one of the first things they teach you in film school.  It consists of frames, each with each own action, that comes together as a chase sequence or a killing sequence or a fashion show sequence.

In an Episode of Criminal Minds, Reed comments that human emotions aren’t linear and that it cannot be altered by one event or announcement.  It takes a multitude of years, experiences or faith to overcome the tragedy that happens to all of us.

Normally, one can’t remember that definitive moment where your heart, mind and body aligned to finally move away from the tragedy – its as if you wake up one morning and realize that you’re ok again.  You somehow made peace with what happened, not necessarily in the fact that its ok, but rather that it’s a part of life.  And shit happens.

I believe that there are multiple things that can assist in reaching this point.  A lot of people say time heals, others believe in keeping busy or getting away to a secluded place where you can face your demons and deal with them.  If it’s a breakup – most girls would recommend girls night, many bottles of wine and chocolate. And for the evenings for when the heartache strikes, romantic comedies with a box of tissues. 

I tend to think being around people that care about you helps.  On one occasion, I went to my friends house late on a Saturday afternoon, bursting into tears the minute she opened the door.  She was busy getting ready to go out, and sat with me the entire afternoon as I spilled my guts.  Perhaps I felt safe enough to burst into tears, smudge my make up a ruin a date to cry my heart out about what I know was busy happening, but didn’t want to face.

Not sure what the exact recipe is for getting over, or moving on from the shit we face.

One day, there will be that one moment, that one morning where you’ll feel like yourself again.  Where the past will play like a sequence in your head, from beginning to end.  You’ll feel a small part of your heart ache as you remember what had happened, but later as you watch the rest, you get to a place of contentment. A place of being ok with what happened and perhaps, knowing that you grew from it.

Whether its after a certain amount of chocolate… Or glasses of wine.  I don’t know, at this point, I prefer popcorn. 

Might as well enjoy the movie, right?

Becoming

This morning I was standing in the shower thinking of how I’m going to pay off my second car breakdown in one month.  I had no idea, it’s the one situation that I hate. I feel inadequate and useless when my car breaks.

Finally, after washing my hair – I made peace with the fact that I’d have to pay off the debt while saving for my dream: to live in India.  And somehow still paying the normal rent, petrol, insurance and, and and…  I’d have to do it over two months to still have a little bit of time to prepare for Christmas.

While putting on my make up, about 10min later, I got all teary eyed.  I was thinking about my life: my dreams, my wanting to not be ordinary and how the hell I’m going to do that.  That was my worst fear, together with growing old alone – was to be ordinary. 

When growing up I went from wanting to be a cop, to working in marine life to wanting to be in the Navy, being a doctor for Doctors without borders and being an actress.  No idea where the actress part came from as most of the other had something in common: doing something for other people. 

The navy idea stuck around the longest – about five years, and even though two broken ankles and 30 metal pins kept me from passing the medical exam, I still hold it close to my heart.  I get all happy when I can see, read, participate in anything related to the Navy.

I dream big.  Or rather, I was given big dreams.

Am I supposed to make my dreams smaller to fit in with life? Or the expectation of what my life is supposed to be? Am I supposed to live the life I dreamt of, even though it involved loads of trusting and taking chances?

I don’t know. I know what I want.  I know my skills.  I know that I will survive whatever is thrown my way.  But on how to take the final step towards it… Leaving behind a perfectly ordinary life: no idea. 

Perhaps I’ll leave that for Monday morning, as Fridays meant a little less thinking and a little more relaxing.

Life

I walked outside a little while ago.  I looked up, the sky is the same blue it was yesterday. Or is it?  I see crew rushing in, most of them frowning – and this is relatively early in the morning.   I turn around to see small changes in the tree, as the weather gets slightly warmer.

I realised that I can’t remember what I had for dinner last week – except the wine I had with a friend on Tuesday.  Trust me to remember the wine…

I can’t distinguish the weeks anymore, never mind the days.  It becomes a big blur of work, friends, and evenings at home. 

What exactly are we rushing off to? Are we working harder for money? That might or might not grow depending on the mood of the world powers in that particular week.  To spend a long weekend to with family, in which we spend the majority of the time trying to forget about work and unwind.  

Is this what our lives have become? Do we rush from work to home, into gym and make appointments with people we call friends.  People who have seen me cry, and fight and horrified by life.   People who I’ve known for years.

What is it about the quest for being better? Or being busier? Or being richer, that captivates us? There are multiple theories on where we go when we die… Whether you return in the form of another animal or as a spirit, I doubt whether you’d be able to transfer your old world with you. 

A lecturer of mine raised an issue in one of our Mass Communication classes: she asked whether becoming better is really a thing? Aren’t we created to be just who and what we are?  Why are we constantly trying to be fitter, stronger, more knowledgeable and gain more skills?

Im sure most of us need to pay rent and buy food – as living off love and water, uhm, well… doesn’t work that well.  But perhaps I can make an effort to see my people, spend time with them and notice the trees around me more often.  And perhaps play with some kind of animal, they are so free… In my next life I think I want to return as a penquin.